Something rare will happen this Sunday night.

Two sporting events will vie simultaneously for my attention.  I?m going to be torn between watching Yankees Opening day and WrestleMania XXI.

I grew up watching the World Wrestling Federation, starting in late ?85 and I was a regular viewer until about three years ago.  I don?t watch these days for a variety of reasons, but WrestleMania is still enough of an event to get me to tune in.

With wrestling?s big day right around the corner, I?d like to take a look at one of the most underappreciated aspects of professional wrestling: theme songs.

I should warn you: I?m not what you would call a musical authority, nor am I a professional wrestling writer.  I?m somewhat of a professional writer for my day-job, but I?m no sports-entertainment journalist.  But these are the best wrestling theme songs, in no particular order.

Real American: This song pumped up millions of brain-washed Hulkamaniacs until they started growing up, or until he got beat by the Ultimate Warrior, whatever came first for the individual.  This song was written by 80?s rock star Rick Derringer and premi?red the same day Hogan was injured in a match that led up to his epic steel cage bout against King Kong Bundy at WrestleMania 2 (which I saw live via closed-circuit television).

Demolition: This is actually a tale of two songs off of “Piledriver!” which  predicted the tag team championship showdown between Strike Force and Demolition at WrestleMania IV.  On one hand, you had the pre-boy band pretty boy theme song ?Girls In Cars,? preformed by pretty-boy tag champions Strike Force, with a little assist from Robbie Dupree (quasi-forgettable single: Steal Away).  On the other hand, you had Rick Derringer (there you go again) rocking out to Demolition, singing about ?walking disaster, pain and destruction? and ?there?s no place to hide, the devil will get you.?  Of course, Demolition came out, kicked all kinds of ass, put Rick Martel out of commission for a few months and walked off with the tag titles.

Pomp and Circumstance: Okay, this isn?t solely a wrestling song, but it was perfect for when Randy ?Macho Man? Savage would walk to the ring. And when I turned away from Hogan and became a Savage fan, it was this song that I wanted to hear when the main event was over.  Years later, several of my friends and I would do the famous Savage walking twist when walking down the aisle at our college graduation.  Yeah, we were still wrestling nerds at that point.

Rick Rude: The theme sucked. But what rocked was his ?Stop the music? bit and subsequent insults towards the people of whatever city he was in was classic.

Honky Tonk Man: He could sing. He could dance.  He is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time.  And he?s coming to your town in a pink Cadillac.

Jive Soul Bro: Okay, it was a manager?s theme song- but still, he was singing about hitting on a seven-foot-tall woman.  The Slickster (before he became the Reverend Slick) lied to his friends.  And he didn?t get nothin? in the end.

Also Sprach Zarathustra: Only two performers have the right to use this song.  Elvis and Ric Flair.  That?s pretty much all I have to say about this one, except Flair?s knockoff-WWF version sucks.

The Mountie: He says he?s handsome, brave and strong.  And to top it all off, he enforces the law.  Gave me the inspiration that one day, I too could sing my own theme song.

New Age Outlaws: The song wasn?t that great.  What was great was the whole introduction shtick, which my senior-year roommate and I had down to a T. 

No Chance In Hell: Vince McMahon may have been an asshole, but this was a perfect fit for his feud with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: When you hear the glass, it?s your ass.  Or something like that.

The Rock: The People?s Champion has had like seven different theme songs.  And as soon as he dropped the Rocky Maivia character, his theme songs became as great as he was. From his first song, which was the Nation of Domination?s theme with dubbed-over catchphrases to the last, with the helicopter flyby video, you knew that a superstar was entering the arena.

Tazz: Tazz was an active wrestler for about a year once he jumped to the WWF.  But his song was killer.

Chris Benoit:  A great instrumental made even better after the addition of lyrics by Our Lady Peace. 

Kurt Angle: This song may have been used first for the Patriot during his feud with Bret Hart in 1997, but it better fit Kurt Angle.  But the fans made this song theirs with the addition of the ?you suck? in d-minor chorus.

Mr. Perfect:  I don?t know why, but face or heel, this song just fit him. 

And to close this article, I?d like to share with you something so utterly horrible it defies description.  It?s right up there with “Aqualung” and “Mac Arthur Park” as one of the worst songs ever:

http://turbine.slackworks.com/robots/blair/HulksterInHeaven.mp3
(Yes, that?s really Hulk Hogan)

Added to the Word dictionary: WrestleMania, Hulkamaniacs, Mountie

WinAmp Playlist during the transcribing of this article:
The Thrills- Deckchairs and Cigarettes
Spinning Images- W&W2: Ironsword Inquisition
The Beatles- Polythene Pam
Weezer- Velouria
Huey Lewis and the News- The Power of Love
Madness- Our House
Sponge- Molly
Limozeen- Because, It?s Midnite
Foo Fighters- Up In Arms
Me First and The Gimme Gimmies- Rocket Man
The Kinda Long Haired Band- Circles
Nada Surf- No Quick Fix
Weezer- Photograph

Last week I had some slow time at work.  So I start looking up random stuff on the Internet and I come across this (http://www.getty.net/texts/seinfeld.txt), a Seinfeld FAQ written in the summer of 1993.

I?m reading the FAQ and come across the following tidbits (abridged):

This FAQ List and Info File is presently available through anon FTP
 
|       at:  quartz.rutgers.edu
|       in:  /pub/tv+movies/seinfeld/
|
     It is also possible to retrieve the file using gopher by connecting to a remote gopher server, e.g.:
 
        telnet gopher.uiuc.edu
     or:
        telnet consultant.micro.umn.edu
 
And log in as “gopher”.  You will be presented with a full-screen menu which you can select “Files through Anonymous FTP”, and then  you can search for all sites which have “seinfeld” files.  Look into the help files on the remote servers for more information on this  service.

All the “Seinfeld” files are now available through anonymous FTP at:  quartz.rutgers.edu in the directory /pub/tv+movies/seinfeld
Note that all the files at quartz.rutgers.edu are compressed using GNU’s gzip command, so you must have the gunzip program to uncompress them, or as an alternative you can get the files uncompressed directly through your FTP session. 

I was hit with a rush of nostalgia.  Who writes stuff like this anymore?

I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi explaining the lightsaber to Luke Skywalker; ?It was a more elegant weapon for a more civilized age.?

This document was talking about anonymous FTP downloads and Gopher logins.  No one knows that stuff anymore.  This was written when the main Internet tools were FTP, Gopher and IRC, when you had to know how to use a computer to use the Internet.

My first time online was in November 1992, as an AOLer.  Don?t laugh.  I?m still an AOLer.  And while things are in many ways better today, there?s still nostalgia (maybe only in my head) for the olden days.  The Internet may be flashier, faster and more fun today, but back then was definitely a more civilized age.

One of the best things about that more civilized age was that for the most part, people weren?t trying to sell you stuff wherever you surfed.  There was no spam, nor spyware, nor pop up ads. 

Most of the resources online were deep (for the things that had resources).  Let?s start with the easiest- the Usenet.  Bandwidth was at a premium.  Most people did not want to waste their time with ?me too? postings- for the most part, discussions were in-depth and civilized.  This trend carried over to the other early message boards.  I still (for some reason) have printouts of postings from AOL?s Star Wars message board from 13 years ago.  The postings are well-written, and even though in some cases, they?re off-mark, they were entertaining to read.

By the time the web rolled around, for a short time, this in-depth ethic remained.  Say you?re a huge Saved By The Bell fan.  In late 1995, you?d log on to Yahoo!, or this new search engine at http://altavista.digital.com and search for SBTB pages.  Your search would yield five simply-coded pages that people actually took the time to put content on.

If you wanted to do that same task today, you?d google SBTB and come up with the following:

 -1,750,931 pages selling SBTB DVDs
 -7 episode guides
 -Dustin Diamond?s home page
 -Dennis Haskins? blog
-One fan site put together by Joe.  It?s a good site, good information, some essays, in other words, he put some work into it.
-Ten sites ripping off Joe?s site.

Okay, so that?s a bit of an exaggeration.  But it?s probably not far from the truth.  The content and hard-working people are there, but it?s diluted by all of the pages trying to sell you things and people too lazy to create on their own.

In spite of this, the Internet is better today.  I do owe a lot to it.  But there are lessons to be learned from the Internet?s early days.  In Obi Wan?s words, it?s up to us to keep it elegant and civilized.

Words I had to add to my Word dictionary while transcribing this article: Seinfeld, Kenobi, lightsaber, Skywalker, google, blog

Songs during the transcribing of this article:
-Bad Medicine, Bon Jovi
-No One Else, Weezer
-Terra Trip Machine, OC Remix from FF6
-One More Minute, Weird Al Yankovic
-Revolution #1, The Beatles
-Beverly Hills, Weezer
-The Promise, When In Rome
-Dead, The Pixies
-Pantera Fans In Love, Nerf Herder

You can go to the library or any book store and within a glance find books that tell you how to do things right. How to build a patio, how to fix a car, how to buy collectable stamps, how to use your MP3 player…the list goes on and on. But what you rarely see is a book telling you what NOT to do. I know it sounds backwards but I think it will work.

A series of What not to do when… books that cover the same topics or telling you what you really shouldn’t do. I’m a person that gets sidetracked easily when I see something that seems like a good idea. I see something and I run with it in my head. So when I see a book that says “do it this way” I start thinking, “yeah, that sounds right and if I did this it could…” and that leads me to a trial-and-error routine that eliminates many theories and ends up with one good one.

When it comes to those books that tell you what to do, I am always left wondering if they (the authors) have found what doesn’t work. You’d like to hope so, but when you actually try the things these do-right books say, I often find myself mislead by lack of information and not enough details.

I don’t care how I get to the final goal. I want to know what not to try on my way there. If I want to take 10 steps to get the end that’s fine by me so long as I don’t try something that is known not to work along the way. I’d rather take 10 steps and get it done right than getting it done in 5 steps knowing I followed directions of someone who thought they had it right.

I guess this type of don’t-do book could steer clear of the opinions of what you should do and just tell you what outright does not work. It assumes the reader has some smarts rather than assuming they’re an idiot…er, dummy.

Now I just need some time to hide away and write a few books. So maybe my first book should be What not to do to when you need more time.

Just the fact that “waiting in line” is an unwritten rule we all follow willing is kind of baffling when you think about. And they say people don’t care anymore. Eitherway, we all follow the rules and wait our turn kindly.

Recently, however, the rules of lines seem to be changing. I attribute most of this change to the methods by which people are going about their daily business at stores. I think at one point in time there were separate lines for each outlet…meaning there was a line for each register at the store. You’re at the grocery store and there are four lanes open and there are four lines.

Now with the advent of self-checkouts the rules have been changed seemingly by revolution because now there is just one line that forms way out in the aisle where everyone waits for the next open register.

Say there are four self-checkouts, two on either side of a space. Instead of a line forming behind each one, there is just one line and people take their turns. In some ways this makes perfect sense – it eliminates the quarrels that could arise. But the downside is there is now one long ass line that winds its way down through the aisles disrupting other shoppers and just messing up everything else.

In some places, like fast food places and banks, they solve the single line disruption by putting out barriers that direct you where to go. This is acceptable; One line that is dictated by the establishment. When the line is dictated by the people, you’ll never get anything practical.

A recent experience I had at a local Wendy’s just awakened my mind to this problem. I walked in for lunch and there were no mazes telling you were to go. There were two registers, both with cashiers, and two guys were waiting in line for the one on the right, and the left one was open. My impression was those guys were waiting for that register, one line per register. So I walk over to the left register and the cashier looked at me like I was nuts. Thus she points over to the guys waiting in the other line. I look back and ask, “is there just one line?” She didn’t answer and just pointed.

I gave in because I didn’t want to create a problem, but it is the exact type of problem that happens all over the place. But I bet had someone come in the entrance on the left side of the building and gone right to the open register no one would have said, “hey, you go to the end of this line because this line goes everywhere.”

When there is one line that wiggles its way all around tarnation you have know idea who is in line, who isn’t and what they’re waiting in line for.

Let’s look at the bank drive-thru. You pull up and all the lanes are equally full. You pick lane A and wait to be next. Another car pulls up and gets behind the car line in lane B. Lane B gets done first and the car that came after you gets to go first. Do you get out and say, “woah dude, I was here first, wait your turn.” No. You suffer because you picked a line and it juts so happens it was the fast lane. Tough shit. That’s how it works.

Waiting in a single long line just isn’t practical – very democratic and nice – but not practical. It confuses people and takes up a lot of space. Let’s look at a crude diagram.

The first shows what I experienced; a single line off-center going to a single register when there are clearly two open registers. The second shows what is happening at the self-checkout at places like Kroger; taking up room and not clearly defining anything.

Some simple solutions that were once the norm are like this, where there is a line for each open register. For self-checkouts, it makes sense to have one line for each side, with the first person moving up to the first checkout then filling in the second. This way you’re not getting in the way of others and people know why you’re standing around.

Not until things like the self-checkout did this type of thinking start becoming the norm. Before these things everyone went to one line for each place. No questions asked. If you didn’t like the line you were in, you switched lines. Now we’re seemingly forcing everyone to be in one line.

Let’s get with it and start making things work for us, not against us.

The court’s decision this time doesn’t put some whack job behind bars, instead it will effect the internet en masse and sites just like this for years to come.

A while ago, Apple sued a web site and mailing list because it talked about unreleased Apple products. Apple bitched and said the site was giving out trade secrets. The case went to court to stop these sites and now Apple has won. The impact of this case may sound nerd on the surface but it will go much deeper.

This case may usher in an entire new wave of companies suing anyone and everyone that publishes unreleased information. As a News.com article states, the decision may effect bigger media outlets, like normal television, because they “often publish confidential information about corporate plans.”

So if some corporation is planning to do something that could be big, and the news gets hold of it, they may not publish it in fear of getting tagged by the Man.

Even with all that said, I agree with the judge’s reasoning, which was summed up by saying, “An interested public is not the same as the public interest.” I realize that leaking Apple’s next computer doesn’t solve cancer or put millions of people at risk of anything, but I do think this type of claim will have long term effects.

For one, the reason Apple and other places get so hyped is because of these mailing lists and web sites. They create buzz about products, even if unreleased, and get people excited. And then those people are the ones waiting in line outside the Apple store at five in the morning to get their first iPod shuffle. It seems calling foul here would only hurt business.

Second, the more things you make taboo the more underground they will get. Look, this isn’t heroin or booze running, it’s a computer. Now you’ll have secret web sites and lists that require first born to get on just get “secrets” delivered to you. And these sites will most certainly be adorned with Russian mail order brides and the likes…they always are.

The only hope is that other companies see this and understand that talk about products, released or otherwise, will only increase sales. In the case of Apple, if someone is talking about the next gadget and this “top secret” info gets across the street to Microsoft or Dell, sure, they’ll try to build something that is close and be the first to store shelves. But…everyone will know that Apple is the real deal because they had the idea first and everyone knows it. Even if someone makes a similar products, you’re still safe. Worst case, it makes you create a stronger better products which then benefits all consumers.

There are still a few kinks to iron out, but nothing that should stop anyone. Honestly, I’m still figuring out what *more* can do now that I have a bigger, badder playground. Of course, this playground has admission but if I play my cards right that can be remedied.

So go about your normal lives as before, making the Morning Toast the first stop of the day. Should you find any technical problems, please send mail or post something so it can get fixed.

I’m moving into some new territory of sorts and there should be plenty on my mind. People to meet, places to go, money to make, and time to waste.

That kick to the butt ended up as an investment  in a dedicated web server for hosting purposes. Yes, I now own my own hosting. Prior I was mooching off the generous Big G, and since all my sites were just for fun, it really didn’t matter.

But I realize I want to go beyond just having a big internet toy. I want to take ideas I have and turn them into worth while services on the internet, possibly making some additional income. Unfortunately, the web server we had before just couldn’t cut the mustard. It did very well for a very long time, but it’s day has come.

And let me tell you there’s nothing more motivational that dropping a decent chunk of change on something. That’ll get you going, and it’s gotten me going. I now have a deficit to make up, and that’s the first goal.

Even though I now have my own almost endless web hosting resource, I’m not going to sell hosting out right. Part of my purpose for making the investment was to be able to offer to customers a complete package with web site design and programming I give them.

They say “I want a web site,” and I say “OK”. Before I said “OK” but then had to say, “you have to find your own host, buy the domain, and make sure they have X, Y, and Z.” Usually that scared them off never to return.

After I get everything moved from the old host to the new host, I need to get the word-of-mouth mill churning. So, my shameless plug is if you know of anyone in need of a web site – or that should have a web site – to direct them my way.

It doesn’t matter if they need a simple site or some sort of management tool, I can build it…pretty much.

Another part of my plan is to turn people’s ideas into on-line service web sites for a flat rate but share in subscription fees.

How many times have you said to yourself, “they really need to have a web site that does this”? This is where I come in. For a flat rate I build your idea into a web site that people can reigster to use. That fee can be whatever it is you want to charge, but I get a percent for each member. In the end, you have minimal up-front investment, plus no technology overhead. You can go about selling the site without worries otherwise.

It sounds good and certainly doesn’t hurt me to try and sell that, so what the hell.

The good thing about on-line business is you don’t have a lot of investment needed in stores and other services. The biggest investment is time. Eitherway, it’ll be a good experience to see if I can cut it.

On a related note, this site is on the list of sites that need to be moved from the old host to the new host. So at some point this week you may not be able to hit the Toast for a day or two. Hopefully this won’t happen, but if it does this is why.

Til then…