Being a paintball noob

Playing paintball is one of those things I always wanted to do as a kid but never got around to doing. I always viewed it as an activity that was too expensive (and it is) and I also figured I’d be really bad at it and “die” quickly, sucking whatever fun there was to be had out of playing. Well, now 10+ years later I finally got around to playing.

I always had some assumptions about paintball:

• It was a fast action sport with lots of running, ducking, diving, and sliding
• That paintballs moved fast
• That getting hit by paintballs would really hurt
• That I would get hit quickly and frequently
• That I would get paired up against some ex-Navy Seals

There was a lot of running and ducking but everything else was entirely wrong. Paintballs move quick but they don’t move that fast. Maybe it was the rental guns and cheap paintballs but I was not expecting to be able to see the paintballs come at me slow enough that I could dodge them. Yes, you can dodge paintballs. This naturally extended my lifespan each round.

Getting hit with a paintball is sudden and stings like the dickens, but it doesn’t hurt - at least they didn’t hurt me. Maybe I just didn’t get hit in the right spot. I also discovered that not every paintball breaks. I got hit many times without the paintball breaking, at which point I learned the first rule of paintball - always check for paint. If you get hit you’re only “out” if the paintball breaks. If it doesn’t then you’re still “alive” and can continue to play. I took several shots to the dome and none of them broke, nor did the one I took in the neck.

I managed to last a lot longer per game that I expected. I got shot twice by my own teammates (thanks) so that ended one or two rounds far quicker than I expected. Otherwise it was a lot of fun running, dodging bullets, and diving for cover amongst trees and hills.

And about all that running and sliding and stuff…

Ouch. I’ve never felt so out of shape in my life. We all know I’m not an active person. I don’t run, I don’t walk…I do very little physical activity shy of the occasional frisbee and cornhole. Well, all the running and squat-running in paintball just about made my legs fall off. Of course, I didn’t feel any of it until the next day. Everything from my knee to my waist was the most soreness/pain I’ve ever experienced. Apparently I was too tall for paintball. I had to squat and duck, unlike the little bastards I was playing with whom could just stand behind a tree and be fine.

Not unsurprisingly we ended up playing with a bunch of kids under the age of 16. Far from those ex-Navy Seals I was worried about. My team had a pretty good mix honest, mostly over 18 with several adults and even one grandfather. The other team, however, was almost entirely under 21 (probably under 18, really) and they played like it. Most of the time my team ended up being surprised as we wiped every last opponent out. It wasn’t easy, per se, just a lot easier than we all expected.

Being teamed up with a bunch of people that “got it” showed me one thing I don’t think I’ve ever experienced in earnest - teamwork.

Everyone talks about teamwork and collaboration, about being a team player and so on, but not until I was playing fake war did I understand how it really works. When my team went out to fight we were yelling and screaming commands and observations constantly.

“Coming up on the right!”
“Need cover on the left”
“Two behind the tree to the northeast”
“Go now, we’ll cover!”

And when people yelled everyone answered with actions. Despite being spread out over the playing field, everyone followed community orders very well and it made a huge difference. We might have office jobs where we work together as “teams” and use each other for support, but it hardly qualifies for what I’d consider honest teamwork. When someone yells, “cover me on the left,” you don’t get a vote or wait for your manager’s approval, you just point and shoot where you were directed. Of course, shooting and playing paintball is a far simpler activity than what many of us do daily behind a desk, but still.

At the end of the day, paintballing was a great time spent with friends and I learned a few things:

• Paintball is not as fast-paced as one might think
• Paintballs move slow enough that you can dodge them
• It’s not the paintballs that hurt, it’s the exercise (if you’re a lazy bum like me)
• You won’t “die” as often as you think
• You won’t find ex-Navy Seals but instead a lot of teens that think they’re Navy Seals

And…there is a such thing as real teamwork but you never see it until you’re with a bunch of people that all know what the goal is and all know how to reach that goal. In paintball that’s easy - just head towards the other team and shoot them. If only it was that easy in the office.