The Couch

The couch is one of the best and worst things ever created. Combine a couch with a TV and you have an unstoppable force that single handedly kills the adventuring spirit. I’m only partially ashamed to say that I spend a lot of time attached to my couch. But if it’s something you enjoy, it’s okay to invest in that enjoyment, right?

Couches of memory

The first couch I remember growing up was actually two small-ish couches in the basement. Combined with an end table, they formed an L-shape in the corner. They were a hideous green color. I remember jumping from one to the other and getting yelled at. They were well loved couches.

Not a couch I grew up with, but not far off

The second couch I remember was a massive couch that was in our living room for the longest time until it made its way to the basement - where all things go to die. This couch was actually a fold-out bed couch. Let me tell you this couch was LONG. I’m just of 6-feet tall and I could easy lay flat on the couch without any hang over or scrunching up. Rumor has it the couch actually had to be cut in half to be moved, then reassembled. As with the other couches, it was ugly. A brown-black-white striped pattern that was probably hip for its time. Thankfully mom reapolstered it in stylish black. I have many fond memories of that couch, as it was the couch I lived with all through high school (if you know what I’m saying).

The next couch in my life didn’t come until Jen and I moved into our first apartment. It was the first time either of us had to purchase any sort of significant furniture. I found out then that furniture, overall, is expensive. We spent $300 on our first couch. A nice green couch that easily sits three people. It wasn’t anything fancy and does a wonderful job of supporting asses. This couch is still alive and well in our house after six years. But needless to say, it’s a little worse for wear. We love it still, but sometimes you have to move on.

It’s time to move on…and up

We’ve been in the house six years and haven’t done any major updates since we bought the house and first painted and furnished the place. Instead of a major summer vacation, we’re going to do another round of updates including paint and furniture. And after more than half a decade of service, we decided to get a new couch as part of the grander plan.

We quickly found out, again, that furniture is expensive. Since our first couch was $300 and had survived long and well, we figured a minimal upgrade to a similar-styled model would suffice. We were looking to up the budget a bit since we had proven that the couch was where we easily spent 50 percent of our home time. So we were thinking $500 or so, though preferrably less. We had spotted a few possibilities in a sale flier and went to Value City to check them out.

Couch shopping can be rough

Value City is a big store. Lots of couches to test out, and I think we tested just about all of them. We started at one end of the store and went aisle-by-aisle, noting the ones that were comfy. We had some strict criteria, however, such as arm height, no feet, and no pillow backs. Only a few stuck out until we got to the last aisle. While walking past some unassuming models, the sales guy was showing another customer a feature of a couch - a foot fridge.

Yes, in the bottom of the couch was a little pop-out drawer that came complete with chilled can holders. It was nifty and all but really didn’t impress me. It was just a drawer. But since we were in the sitting mind, we sat on it for a test run. The salesman then wasted no time in pointing out the other features of the couch.

It was clear very quickly that this was more than a couch - it was a Transformer. A few pulls, tugs, and flips and the couch sported two reclining chairs, arm rest storage, a middle cup holder, two directional reading lights and, get this, two massagers, one for each chair. And lets not forget the foot fridge.

When does a couch become too tacky?

I’m not known for being the most classy fellow, but there is a certain line of tackiness that even I will not cross…well, so I thought. You see, a massaging couch sounds pretty tacky. It’s very state fair if you ask me. It’s not something I need, want, or really aspire to have embedded in my couch. But everything else about the couch was quite nice. Storage is always good and I really underestimated the comfort recliners give you. Out of five things this couch does, it does four really well. Not bad. And the damn thing was pretty comfy to sit and lay on too, which really surprised and didn’t make our couch decision any easier.

Super Couch: Puffy and unassuming, isn't it?

You see, the price tag on the couch was $800. Far, far, far more than we were planning on spending or had even thought of spending. Hell, our big ass TV was only $750. This super couch wasn’t the most stylish thing on the planet. It’s puffy in nature and comes in a choice of two drab colors - brown and green. The other couch candidate was a tomato red that looked really nice and would have put some spice into our living room, but it also didn’t have two recliners and cup holders.

Blinded by the light…and recliners…and cup holders

We couldn’t really believe we were considering an $800 couch. I mean, c’mon, it’s a couch. We left without buying any couch with plans to consider our options - which really meant, how bad do we want a couch with recliners and fridge?

Considering the other couches that were no less than $400, super couch ended up seemingly like a good deal when we considered what all it offered. And I have to admit, reclining seats is really nice. Right now I just prop my feet up on the coffee table, which isn’t exactly classy either. But I don’t want to make it sound there is anything classy about super couch. There isn’t. This isn’t a show piece. Nay, it’s a means to end to keep our asses happy when watching our big TV.

After some more debating and a few outsider opinions, we caved and got super couch. It’s only money, right? We work hard and dammit we like to play - er sit - hard too. We forwent style and visual appeal in exchange for comfy bells and whistles. So sue us. I look at it as getting three things in one. It can be two reclining chairs or a couch. I was considering getting a separate recliner anyway, which would have been another $200+ purchase, so this is two birds with one stone.

There’s no shame in buying something you want

Bah…no matter how much I slice and dice the couch, it cost a lot. I think I’ll regret it until I sit my ass in it, which will be July because the couches are back ordered. At least it’s good to know we’re not the only hillbillies interested in a transforming couch. And if anyone wants to come over and try out the amazing massaging couch, it’ll be 25 cents for three minutes.