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The death of a wallet

I lost a friend today. His name was Wallet.

The scene of the crime
The scene of the crime

A sight no man wants to see

There are few objects in a man’s life that have more meaning than a wallet. Wallets aren’t something you trade out every month or even every year. You have a wallet and you hang on to it. It’s not like a purse that has to coordinate with your outfit. A wallet is the ultimate utility. I can get my wallet out of my pocket and take out any single card before my wife can even open her purse. A wallet is like an extension of your body. Between our wallets and keys, men pretty much carry their entire life in their pockets. So when your wallet dies a horrible death it is a sad, sad day.

I was up writing my weekly column and Jen was downstairs watching television. We were each doing our own thing but neither one of us was paying any attention to our youngest dog, Roxi, who for some reason took it upon herself to murder my wallet. I came downstairs to find my wallet’s guts spread out on the living room floor with shreds of faux leather tossed about. I fell to my knees and shouted into the heavens asking the gods why they would punish me so.

Not even Yoda could stop my dog
Not even Yoda could stop my dog

A life long friend

I’ve had that wallet so long that I’m not even sure how long I’ve had it. If I didn’t know any better I’ve probably been using the same wallet for more than 10 years. It graduated college with me, traveled with me across the country with me and was with me as I walked down the aisle at my wedding. The only other thing that’s done that much with me is my wife, although I’m comfortable leaving the house without my wife but leaving home without my wallet makes me feel naked.

I took great pride in my wallet. Much like a pair of shoes, a wallet needs broken in. A new wallet is tight and credits cards don’t slide in and out easily, but as you use it day in and day out, you stretch things out and it actually gets faster. Yes, I could flip open my wallet faster than a speeding bullet thanks to more than a decade of training. I could work that thing like a butterfly knife.

Mans best friend
Man's best friend

Wallets also have the benefit of being easily customized and decorated, something that’s hard to do with a purse. Not unlike my keychain, I very carefully chose stickers to put on my wallet to make it a little more unique. For the longest time a single sticker graced my wallet. On the outside bottom corner I placed an old “Intel Inside” sticker that was the type you put on the front of your PC tower (back before we all had laptops). The sticker was foil so it survived for a long time until it actually broke in half, but I then replaced it with an AMD sticker of the same type. Along the way I added two Star Wars collector stamps (which made my wallet worth at least 84 cents), as well as a small Captain America logo sticker and a Thor hammer sticker. However, the most annoying part of my wallet’s death is that I just added a great Pac-Man sticker that replaced my aging AMD sticker as the “flag” sticker on my wallet. Now all of that effort, all of those memories, are gone.

Goodbye, wallet. You were a good and loyal friend. You kept my life in order and kept everything a mere flick away. However, I guess I should be thankful that Roxi didn’t destroy any of the cards in my wallet. The only thing destroyed was the wallet itself. So now starts the long, arduous task of finding a new wallet and breaking it in. And this is something that cannot be rushed.


  1. Will Will December 14, 2011

    I owned my previous wallet for over 10 years before I accidentally washed it. I got it when I was a freshman or sophomore in college. I could’ve still made it work, but I decided it was time to get something new and Christmas was right around the corner.

    Luckily, I can leave stuff sitting around and Reese won’t mess it with

  2. Brian Brian December 15, 2011

    This was very uncharacteristic for Roxi. Colby is the destroyer in our family but he was sleeping all night. I was very disappointed in my dog.

  3. erin edwards erin edwards December 15, 2011

    I just said this to Brian’s face: Looks like Roxi did you a favor, my friend!

  4. Brian Brian Post author | December 15, 2011

    Psssh. What if some wild animal came and tore about your favorite purse? You’d be whining too!

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