While attending a very good (and very free) Cake, Gomez, and Robbers on High concert I noticed a few types of people you see at most every concert. It doesn’t matter the genre or the artist these concert groups are always represented. Here is a short list of the major five you can find without much searching.
1) The ubiquitous pot smoker. Let’s put aside the discussion of right or wrong and delve into something deeper. Why? Why, at any concert (with the possible exclusion of classical performances) is there at least one person who feels the need to smoke pot. In the open in front of a large number of people. Is it the need to flaunt their habit and stick it to the man? I just don’t get it. That also brings up the question, why is it always stale pot? Is there some guy who goes to concerts just to off load his stale pot? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that it’s the kids who are away from mom and dad tokeing up in a sense of rebellion.
2) The concert mobile phone user. Every concert has at least one person who has to use their mobile phone at the concert. They are always in the first ten rows normally in front of the biggest speakers the band has. Who in their right mind thinks that grandma is going to be able to hear you over the extra loud rendition of “I want to rock and roll all night”. It’s a concert. Put the phone away. They can live without you for the length of a concert.
3) The guy with the lighter. O.K. I get the idea that some songs from some bands need to have the lighter in the air effect. But not every song from every band. Let’s bring into play the guy who has his lighter aloft in the mosh pit. Please, one potentially dangerous activity at a time. Then again if he did drop it on his head we would have one less person likely to wave his lighter about.
4) The camera phone user. This is really just sad. I can understand wanting to have pictures of the night you saw “Billy bob and his big bunch of yodeling yokels” but please try and use something that might has more than a 0.00001% chance of getting a picture that is a big whitish blob inside a big blackish blob. This person is very often one and the same as the concert mobile phone user.
5) The kids. What is up with parents letting their pre-pubesant children go to concerts un-accompanied. I can count on one hand the number of concert children should be going to by themselves. I’ll give you a hint. Its zero.
There are some other groups and sub-groups that are not on this list but these are the main five. Crazy dancing the entire concert person and people who paid for seats but never actually sit down in them would come in sixth and seventh. Feel free to add any that I’ve missed
6. The ‘Freebird’ Screamer. I have to admit, that I did this after one of Ringside’s songs at last week’s weezer show. Ringside was that bad.
7. Token drunk guy. At the New Order concert there was this totally smashed guy that was pushing everyone. He wasn’t interested in the show, he was interested in drinking and being able to say he was at the show.
Free concert to see Cake? Score.
8. The Make-Out Couple: It never fails that I end up next to the couple making out the whole time. When I saw U2 about 10 years ago, this couple made out THE ENTIRE TIME. A hotel would have been cheaper than the cost of those tickets. Often times, the make-out people are found in cross categories; such as the drunk concert goer or the pothead concert goer.
Oh, so many more!
9. The Old Guy: Usually in his late-30s/early-40s who is there mainly to buy a lot of drinks for whatever girl will accept them in the hopes that he can get laid by a co-ed.
10. The Wannabe Hipster: The 18 - 24 yr old who paid ridiculous amounts of money on the “hipster uniform” that he saw advertised in Rolling Stone.
Dressing in straight-leg jeans, Vans, and a fake vintage t-shirt and going to see The Killers does NOT make you hip. It makes you a punch line. Not always a Scenester (see below), but definitely a poseur.
11. The Scenesters: These are the kids who think that going to see The Decemberists will up their indie-cred. They then proceed to talk throughout the show. Usually populated with college freshmen and token drunk guys. Not always Wannabe Hipsters, but poseurs nonetheless.
12. The Local Musician/Band: Came to the show in the hopes of talking to the headliner so they can pass along their demo/self-released CD and get a record contract. If that doesn’t work, they pass out fliers after the concert for their show at the same venue.
13. Starf*ckers/Concert Sluts: Pretty much self-explanatory. Show up to the show wearing something provocative with the hope of going backstage and being defiled by the band. When this fails, they’ll pick the best available hipster.
This is a long URL but it is a must read for anyone who is about to go to a concert…you don’t want to be the guy/gal at the concert that people go home and talk about—in a bad way.
http://www.thedailyaztec.com/media/paper741/news/2005/08/31/Opinion/Concert.Etiquette.101.A.Guide.For.ShowGoers-970778.shtml
Tom and I were re-acquainted with some unmentioned denizens of concertland:
The Dancing Lady - Drunk off her ass, middle-aged, whacked my crotch a half dozen times while flailing her arms.
The Yuppie Potheads - Toking up next to me. Bizarre to see people my parents’ ages smoking weed and listening to the Foo Fighters.
Air Guitar Man & The Fist Pumper - Sometimes the same guy, sometimes a pair of guys. They looked like morons.