The actual wedding day went off without a hitch. Seriously. The weather held out to perfection. Yes, it was hot, but humidity was low enough that it wasn’t sticky. Given the little rehearsal we actually had, everything clicked when the time came. After more than a year of planning, the day had came and the deed was done within 10 minutes - not bad. The reception was also a good time had by all, especially the seniors. Everyone over 50 was cutting the rug while the under-30s sat by and quietly watched. And it was quite entertaining, I must admit, but it was very odd eating dinner while there are 50 people watching you.

Long ago we thunk of going to Hawaii for the honeymoon - a real honeymoon. Some things changes along the way and the time off we could take was cut in half, so Hawaii was out for the immediate honeymoon. But that’s OK because we’ll get to Hawaii sooner than later and Hawaii can’t suck. However, we weren’t about to head back home after getting married, we did need some sort of escape.

Our choice: Graceland

You know. Graceland, Elvis’ pad down south. When we were planning, we had about one day for vacation - two if we pressed it - so we needed some place close and some place where we could see all we needed to see within a day. When “Graceland” was suggested, I couldn’t argue it. So we made our plans.

Expedia.com was our booking agent, as always, and we booked a three-star Clarion hotel about a mile from Graceland. Being it was Memphis and relatively close, we chose to make this a road trip. From the center of Ohio, Memphis is about a eight hour drive south and then west to Mississippi River and Memphis.

We left the Sunday after the wedding before Noon so we could get in to Memphis before it got too late and too dark. The drive down went great. We were excited, flashing our new rings to each other while listening to our favorite tunes and watching people drive by. We got to Cincinnati seemingly quick and were going through Kentucky before we knew it.

Passing several road side wonders along the way, we got to our hotel in Memphis around 9:00p. Graceland is relatively close to the Memphis Airport and this airport neighborhood was no different than any other airport neighborhood. But considering how close it was to Graceland, we could deal with air planes.

We park and walk in to find an ass load of pimps. OK, so they really weren’t pimps (at least I don’t think so), but they sure were dressed like pimps. Feathered hats, wing tip shoes, rings, canes, the whole bit. And the women were in dressed and the likes. So we think, “OK, there’s a wedding reception or some other gathering going on,” which wasn’t a problem. We check-in and go to our room.

A big fat king-sized bed awaited us as well as a fridge and microwave. But this was all nothing more than a fancy façade. Upon closer inspection we found the room to be less than satisfactory - actually, it was down right filthy.

Now, before I describe the level of filthiness, let me brace for some details. When I saw “the room was filthy,” I’m sure you have a picture in your head. Well, I’ll bet you right now this was much worse than what you might think.

The far corner of the room was pretty much lined up and down with bugs and cob webs. Little black dots with little twitchy legs and potato bugs behind the mirror didn’t settle well - strike one. We went to the bathroom to get some paper towels to clean them up a tad only to find a used shower cap hanging behind the door - eww - strike two. While making the move to the phone to call the front desk we got on the bed to find hairs on the pillow and within the sheets…and these were not our hairs - strike three.

We march on down to the front desk. By now one of us is severely pissed and the other entirely exhausted. I’ll let you pick out those roles.

We demand another room and we get one. We go in to find the room in what appears to be much better condition. The walls were bug free and the bathroom was soil free. Oh but wait, ants. Yup, ants. One crawling on the room desk. Amazed that a second room can be equally infested and dirty we again go to call the front desk - oh look, more hairs in the bed. Short hairs at that.

A return to the front desk finds our only other option is to check-out. Apparently the manager knew that there weren’t any rooms that were clean and simply offered to check us out. We also demanded a refund and they told us we would have to call Expedia. By now it was almost 10 o’clock, so we retreat to the room to regroup.

A lengthy call to Expedia says we can only get refunded after we check out. By now we were really hungry, so we thought food would be good and would keep us out of the hotel. We found a brochure for a Hard Rock Café and asked for directions.

“Six lights down and hang a right.”

So we drive through the wonderful ghetto that is Memphis down six lights and go right. And we keep going…and going…passing by the most interesting business establishments and people. We then reached our “we must have missed it point” and gave up. By now it wasn’t worth finding and getting lost in Memphis. We took Taco Bell to go and went back to the hotel.

At this point we knew driving around Memphis to find another hotel was not a safe option. We were completely pooped and needed some serious rest. We try to figure out some way to survive through the filth planning to only stay that night and do Graceland and then find another hotel the next day. Oh but then we find a small family of ants, on the desk and the floor - crunchy - and that was the last straw.

The “fuck it” hands went into the air and we grabbed our stuff and checked out, it now being about 1:30 in the morning (Monday). We were tired, a bit scared, and pissed - not a good combination, and we just wanted to leave and go home - so we did.

We grabbed our directions for Ohio and started going. Jen lead the charge while I quasi-dosed in the passenger seat. Getting out of Memphis was much easier than getting in, even in the middle of the night. Oh but wait - as if fleeing Memphis in the wee hours wasn’t enough - it’s now raining.

And not just any rain - hurricane Dennis rain - serious rain. Toss all this ran along with the fact that in the South the apparently don’t line their highways with lights and you’re in for some excitement. Rain that limited visibility to about four feet in front of the car mixed with semi-trucks every 30 seconds that splashed by reducing visibility to your front bumper - oh yeah, good stuff.

The rain only got worse and we knew we needed to stop and find a place to stay. The first exit we try has a Days Inn which turned out to be a Norman Bates special - doors on the outside with that slight feeling of hookers-next-door. We looked at each other and said “no” - even with our wasted state. Back on the freeway we go and try to the next exit. We turn in to this motel driveway - which was also a Bates approved motel - only to find it is next to the adult bookstore. Without even slowing we get back on the freeway. At the third exit we pass another horror motel to find a Holiday Inn high on a hill - and I almost want to say there was a slight ray of light shining down on this hill, but it might have been the glare from the rain. It’s not 3:15 in the morning.

We go past Loretta Lynn’s Country Kitchen and head up the hill. We stop and knock on the door. Large Marge lets us in and thankfully they have a room. At this point for some reason I can’t remember, I spilled Pepsi in my lap, but I didn’t care. We had a room that was clean, quiet, and safe. The Holiday Inn is a hotel, not a motel, and for a mere $67.00 we got two queen beds, fridge, and even more - frankly, it had better stuff than the Clarion boasted and for half the cost. Crash.

We wake up to some drizzle rain. We check out as late as possible to make up for the lost sleep. At Noon we leave the Holiday Inn - just outside Nashville - and make our way back to Ohio.

On the way back we stopped at Mammoth Cave and Abe Lincoln’s birth place in Kentucky. We didn’t spend too much time at the cave, but Abe’s cabin was really neat and the nice low key, under-tourist place we like. After that we come straight in and make home around 9:30p Monday evening.

So in a little over 24-hours we drove 1,235 miles in about 16 hours to see Abe Lincoln’s house. We didn’t even drive by Graceland.

Far from a honeymoon and by far the worst vacation I had ever been on. The only saving grace was that I was now gleefully married and stuck with the only person I would want to be stuck with given the situation. Home never looked, smelled, and felt so good in my life. It sucked hard but we were home and didn’t care.

After a long sleep in on Tuesday we did what anyone else might do to help forget such a nightmare - we shopped.

Gift cards in hand we tore ass around town and got ourselves a Dyson vacuum, a Martha Stewart sofa, wicker hampers, and a dog.

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