The clinic

The only way I can even draw a parallel between “clinic” and “conference” is when clinic is used in that I-just-whooped-your-ass-old-school-and-you-could-learn-something-from-it type context, such as “The Harlem Globetrotters put on a clinic when playing the other team, they totally kicked their ass.”

Annually, my employer puts on a conference dubbed the “ISBE Clinic” where all the nerds from our enterprise gather to praise each other for the hard work we’ve done throughout the year. Personally, I don’t feel you can truly celebrate anything when you are forced - or should I say, “preferred” - to come and participate. The conference is legendary for its overall yawner rating.

The conference has your requisite guest speakers, of which this year primarily comprised of executives from our own enterprise. In half the cases, the presentation they made wasn’t very interested from an information standpoint. But none of them were interesting from a stay-awake standpoint. Granted, they are executive managers and not trained speakers, but if you are going to be a position of power, I think you are obligated to have some sort of panash, even if in the most generic sense.

Every other year it seems the conference actually hosts a mildly interesting speaker. Last year, they brought in some 30-something guy that was behind an on-line start-up and he talked about how he did it with nothing but the change he had in his pocket and how he leverages Google to make $5 million a year. Even if the story was somewhat cookie cutter, he presented it in a way that kept you awake and listening. This year’s agenda did not fair so well. I felt like I was back in school listening about the trial and tribulations of some one-eared painter from medieval England…which actually might have been more interesting.

Now, I could have told my boss I had a lot of work to do and needed to work instead - and frankly that was the truth. But along with the boring speeches comes free breakfast, free lunch, and door prizes. Not to mention the best thing, you’re not at work! In fact, I scored nicely in the door prize department by winning a copy of some top-notch video editing software ($100 value!), which was much better than the can cozie I won last year emblazon with the corporate logo.

I am sure it was the intensions of organizers for us to come away amazed, entertained, and more thoughtful towards our own jobs, but they just never do. Granted, it is a bunch of nerds, but even then I would hope for a little ooo and ahh type stuff. You can only take so much speaking from people speaking that no right speaking to a group and the yellow-on-white Powerpoint presentations. I’m not saying the only people that should give presentations are professional speakers - frankly, I’m not sure they exist - but everyone expects the speaker to really care and be passionate about what they’re talking about, and that just never shows through at our “clinic.”

I have spoken to many groups and departments within my company talking about intranet technology and on-line communication. I am not a good speaker. I barely outline my presentations. I typically have an idea of what I want to address and wing it from there. But the feedback I get is always positive because when I’m speaking I speak with excitement - because I am excited. This is my stuff, I’m proud of it, and I want people to use it. If you can’t speak with some conviction then your audience will not believe anything you are saying - just like at this conference. They preach and talk a good deal about where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going, but people just shrug it off knowing status quo is where they want to be.

The last item on the agenda is always the awards. The department managers and directors get up and lavish praise on a few people - including other managers! - and give them their $25 gift certificate to the mall. I know what these people do is important and probably great work (I’ve won in the past), but it all seems so passé. I guess I’m just not one for awards, even when I get them. They are not something I flaunt and not something I strive to get. Their only purpose (for individuals) is for resume building. I think I honestly believe that “When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all,” as was so wisely said in an episode of Futurama. Praise and good fortune will come on by itself. And if you need praise and awards to keep you at your job, then you’re at the wrong job.

Honestly, I don’t know what a “good” conference consists of, having never been to one. If the food and prizes are the most memorable parts, then it wasn’t a good conference. I would hope that a good conference gives you new ideas, makes you evaluate your current position, and gets you excited about where you are going. I hope to be around long enough for the day our annual “clinic” qualifies.