The speaking act

I’m not a speaker. I don’t manage any people and I don’t lead. I’ve never been paid to speak, nor has my speaking ever been in attempt to get paid. But when I do have to speak to people, I try to act like I am getting paid. While most of us probably do our communicating on-line in e-mail, IMs, or text messages…we need not forget how to communicate in person.

I’m not talking one-on-one conversations, although my thoughts apply there too…no, this is more about speaking to any group of people, big or small. Please, for the love of God, know what you plan on saying ahead of time, and please, please, please do not utter the sounds “ummm” or “uhhh” every two minutes. It’s annoying and it shows that you have zero credibility in what you’re talking about. After the third “ummm” you might as well leave and stop wasting everyone’s time.

If you get asked questions that you can’t answer, direct them away politely. Tell them you’ll find out the answer or direct them to someone that can. Don’t try to fake it. Have your act down pat. People can smell presentation BS like a fart in a car, so try to avoid it. Sure, there’s some etiquette that goes into speaking and presentations, and that’s fine and all, but don’t get desperate. If you’re trying to convince someone to do/buy anything, this won’t do it, “well, ummm, I think it can, ummm, do that…actually, uhhh…yes, it can.”

Smell that?

Another good rule when speaking is to not tell people you’re new. Just last weekend at Applebee’s we asked the waitress about the available beers and food selection. Her eyes opened wide in disgust and she shrugged with an unpleasant air of “why you askin’ me?”

Then later that sitting she told us it was her third day on the job…as if that should excuse her crappy service. It doesn’t. Never tell people that you’re new. You should know your topic like you’ve been there for years. Telling people you’re new or something along the lines of, “when I worked at ACME,” because it tells them that you still don’t know your topic and that you probably don’t care.

And if you’re a manager or some other type of leader of people - learn how to speak. There’s nothing more demoralizing than when the Boss starts in with the “umms” when talking about where the company is heading. The “ummm” sound is usually bad, so it’s hard gain followers at that point. Plus, you’re the leader! You should know what’s going on because you probably make the decisions. The greatest leaders in the world all have one thing in common - they can speak like the dickens. Lenin, Hitler, Castro, JFK, Reagan, Clinton…they all could orate extremely well and was the key to their success. They might have sucked at everything else, but they could talk and convince people of almost anything. Would you want to follow a guy that goes “uhhh” after every sentence?

Now, the great challenge in speaking is not to sound like you know what you’re doing…it’s not even to really know what you’re doing…it’s to not sound like a jerk when you’re talking. It’s easy to sound like an ass when you’re confident and show it. I believe this just takes practice. Put your balls on the table and perform. You probably will sound like a jerk when you start speaking, but live and learn.

At some point, we all probably have to speak in front of people. It’s a huge fear for a lot of people - it’s a fear of mine! But when I have to do it, I prepare by studying my material and knowing it well…of course, even then I’m not a good speaker. But I guarantee you that my “umms” are absent and it sounds like I believe what I’m saying. Because you have to believe your own lies when you speak. Even if you don’t believe in what you’re talking about (or selling), it needs to appear as though you do. Just fake it. So please, stop with the “umms” and tell us what you know. If you don’t know anything and can’t fake it, don’t waste our time.